Thread: Humour Collection 1 - With Thanks to NLP Trainer Stephanie Philp

Jigsaw from Hell?
A woman calls her boyfriend for help with a killer jigsaw puzzle. She just can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The woman says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

She shows him the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.... let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... he sighed, "...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

First Week of School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time,? she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

Modern Slant on the Lord's Prayer
A woman had been teaching her three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
Her mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail."

Flying Tourists
A tourist, arms outstretched had budgies perched from his shoulder to his wrist. A second tourist had parrots perched from his shoulder to wrist. Together they jumped off a tall bridge. Said the first tourist "I don't think much of this parrotgliding." "No" the second agreed,"I don't think much of this budgie jumping either."

Turkey Time
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

With thanks to Stephanie. For further collections plese see the humour collection on Stephanie's website

What's Red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

A carrot.

What do you call a blind Rudolph/

No idea!

Mental Health Hotline

'Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.'

Totally Logical

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit".
Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant.
James: -No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: -He isn't a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument continues for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: -Excuse me.... no offence meant, but my mate and me were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: -Oh! What's that then?
Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: -Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: -Well, it's logical then that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: -It's in a pond!
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden?
Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden that you also have a large house?
Chris: -As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married with some kids?
Chris: -Yes I am married, and I've got 3 kids!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris: -Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: -Me? Never!
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: -How's that then?
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: -Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: -What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: -Nope
Pause...
Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker!

One Liners
My Mom sent me these one liners (obviously insanity runs in the family!) Thanks Mom!

1. My uncle died giving blood. He forgot to say, 'When'
2. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
3. 'You know that look that women give you when they want sex?' said the man. 'Me neither.'
4. Went to the chemist for an aerosol. 'Ball or Roll on?' asked the chemist. Armpits actually.
5. 'I feel terrible.' I told the Doctor.
'What are the Symptoms?' he asked.
'A cartoon with yellow people.'

Not Quite a win win
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out!

Huge thanks to Stephanie Philp. See the Humour section on her website http://www.metamorphosis.co.nz/index.php